


I Barely Know My Brain

by BakerGrey



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Coffee shop AU (sort of), Depression, Fluff, M/M, Minor Angst, Narry - Freeform, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-18 00:49:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2329184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BakerGrey/pseuds/BakerGrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry hasn't been happy in a long time.<br/>It's not a fleeting phase.<br/>He's got Zayn, who's got Liam.<br/>And Louis who says it how it is.<br/>All of whom wish Harry would let someone else into his life.<br/>Someone who'll be good for him.<br/>Lucky thing Liam's best mates with Niall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Barely Know My Brain

Harry didn’t ask for this.

It’s not like he woke up one morning and begged the gods to curse him with low moods and the urge to die.

And it’s not to say that he hasn’t tried getting better.

Depression just hits some people harder than others.

It hit Harry pretty damn hard, turned his life upside down.

He should have noticed the signs sooner, but he’s never been all that good at accepting the truth.

_You have to want to help yourself._

That’s what his mother had said when he’d told her about his diagnosis.

Bordering on severe.

It has been months since then.

Sure he’s on 40mg dose of Prozac and having weekly therapy sessions but the rut he was stuck in didn’t seem to want to fade.

He’s pretty sure he’s in that percentage that doesn’t respond to medication.

It’s hard getting his family to understand that you don’t just get depression overnight and likewise there is no immediate quick fix.

He’s lucky enough to have Zayn, one of his only friends, and coincidently his roommate.

Because Zayn just understands it all.

He gets that Harry can’t be alone for too long because his thoughts go to _that_ place.

Gets that Harry cries sometimes for no real reason.

That he contemplates death. _A lot._

He doesn’t scold Harry for missing days of work.

Because he _knows_ , knows that the pressure can be too much.

And even though it’s hardly the most stressful job, making ice drinks in a coffee shop, he still can’t face the outside world no matter how much he wants to.

So as he swallows down two 20mg capsules and treks to the bathroom, the little smile Zayn gives him on passing is enough encouragement to get through the day.

Because at least someone still believes in him.

 

****

 

Certain jobs are supposed to be boring, but for Harry it’s different.

He’s twenty and finds no interest in anything.

Be it television, reading, the internet.

He doesn’t have the will power to concentrate anymore.

Barely listens as his co-worker Louis, babbles on cheerfully about his new shoes.

It’s not that he doesn’t like Louis.

Because he does, very much so.

He’s everything Harry aspires to be.

And maybe, just maybe, he’s a little jealous of that.

“Are you even listening mate?”

“Yeah, course I am.”

Louis’s eyes narrow at him.

Harry stares at him with no doubt, sullen eyes.

“Bad day?” The brunette whispers.

Harry nods his head once and Lou gives him a sympathetic pat on the back.

He’d mentioned it to Louis a while back, when he was sure that he could trust him with his secret.

His friend treated him no differently.

He was grateful for that.

“Any orders you don’t want to take, just send them my way yeah?”

“Thanks Lou.”

Because really it wasn’t his responsibility to do that.

Louis gives him a parting wink before heading over to the front of the counter.

Harry turns to look at the clock.

It’ll be the longest of days.

 

****

 

Zayn texts Harry to let him know that he’ll be out for the evening.

It’s like an advance warning.

Prepares Harry for being alone.

He can’t be angry with Zayn, because he’s entitled to a life that doesn’t involve catering to Harry’s every need.

And from the sound of the text, this outing seems pretty important.

Harry certain it’s got to do with a lad he’s been asking out for a while now.

He racks him mind for the name Zayn’s relentlessly swooned over many times now.

He’d feel happy for his friend if he could.

His mind just doesn’t work that way.

It’s pretty empty in the shop.

The lunch rush is over and Louis did most of the work anyways.

Only now the door is opening and Harry notices that Louis is on his break, so he has to tend to this customer.

He can’t even bring himself to look at them yet because it requires an effort that’s been draining throughout the day.

“You working curly?”

It’s a new nickname, being used by a voice he’s never heard before. It drips with an Irish accent and Harry sighs as he gets to his feet.

“What can I get you?” He doesn’t even bother plastering on his fakest smile.

His watches the face in front of him with cold eyes.

It’s a good face, possessing bright blue eyes and full pink lips.

It’s the kind of face that would get Harry hot under the collar.

Only his sex drive is long dead and buried.

He stares directly into blonde hair as the guy reads over the menu on the wall behind him.

“I’ll have a tall Hazelnut Frappuccino please,” He smiles, revealing perfect white teeth.

Harry doesn’t share the expression.

“Eat in or take away?”

The boy looks over his face, his own happiness fading at Harry’s somewhat rude nature.

“In.”

“Would you like anything else?”

Blondie eyes the muffins, but under Harry’s intense glare he shakes his head no.

“That’ll be £5.70.”

The Irish boy hands him a ten pound note.

He feels almost sorry for taking his foul mood out on this stranger but he’s being selfish.

Harry gathers up the change, crams the coins into Blondie’s warm hand before turning to make the drink.

Even this he finds incredibly boring.

His mind drifting to nothingness as whipped cream curls into the cup.

It’s messy and he knows it.

But it’s as good as he’ll be able to get it today.

He lifts the counter top and places the cup on the circular table the blonde has chosen by the window.

“Ta,” He mumbles, his eyes lowered.

Harry’s about to return to his seat but he feels like a dick for treating this attractive stranger rather horribly.

“Listen,” He begins, blue eyes looking up to meet his green “Sorry about that,” He gestures vaguely with his hand, hoping Blondie will get it “I’m having a rough day.”

The slim boy seems to accept this because he says “We all have them.”

And Harry feels like he doesn’t need to prolong this social interaction any further.

He eagerly awaits Louis’s return and prays that maybe a bus will put him out of his misery on his way home.

 

****

 

Harry’s lying in the dark when Zayn gets in.

“Haz?”

“I’m over here,” He tells Zayn from his position on the couch.

The lights are flicked on.

“Have you eaten anything?”

“M’not hungry,” He tells the dark haired boy.

“You need to eat Harry.”

He pulls a petulant face.

“You’ve lost a lot of weight, getting too skinny for my liking.”

Zayn’s right about his weight dropping but it’s not at all as much of a big deal as Zayn is making out.

“Alright Malik, I’ll have a big hearty breakfast.”

Zayn rolls his eyes.

“I’m being serious; you need to take better care of yourself.”

This isn’t news to him.

Zayn shuffles about the kitchen in a silence, before he sits down next to Harry, and tosses him a banana.

Harry peels it thoughtfully.

“How did your date go?”

“I never said anything about a date.”

Harry quirks an eyebrow.

Zayn ponders.

“It was nice, really nice.”

“Did you kiss him?” Harry asks, nibbling at the tip of the yellow fruit.

Zayn shakes his head “But I wanted to.”

“That’s good, I’m glad that you’re happy.”

Brown eyes soften and Zayn tells him for the umpteenth time that it’ll be better tomorrow.

 

****

 

“You need a haircut,” Louis tells him during a break.

“No I don’t,” Harry defends, because his hair is just fine.

“Trust me Haz; it’s getting out of control.”

Harry rakes a hand through his curly locks.

“Customer,” Lou whines.

Harry turns to look in the direction of the door.

“You want me to take this one?”

Harry shakes his head.

Louis fails at hiding his surprise.

“I got it,” Harry explains with a shrug.

This time Harry actually looks at him in his entirety.

He’s shorter that the brunette and he’s wearing a grey snapback that causes his blonde hair to curl upwards where it peaks out.

He smiles when Harry approaches.

Harry wants to return the favour but it doesn’t feel right pretending in front of this boy.

“What can I get you?” He asks; voice similar to yesterday.

He wants to scold himself for failing again but he can’t help it.

Blondie doesn’t seem to let it bother him today.

“Same as last time.”

Harry nods; leans over to tell Louis the order.

“Anything else?”

“How about a smile?”

Harry’s eyes widen.

“Pardon?”

“I was- it was a joke,” The boy admits sheepishly.

“Oh.”

It’s all that Harry can come up with.

“£5.70 right?”

“Yeah.”

He hands Harry over six pounds, who goes to return Blondie’s change but he mutters out

“It’s fine, just keep the rest.”

And Harry watches him move quickly to a table.

When Louis returns from taking the drink over, he asks Harry

“Do you know him?”

Harry glances over at the grey cap.

“No.”

“Seemed like you did, you’re never _that_ keen to take on customers,” And he can see a smirk forming on Louis lips.

“He came in yesterday is all,” Harry informs him honestly because Lou can be intense when he wants information.

“So you _do_ know him.”

“Hardly,” Harry grumbles.

“He looks like he’d like it if you did.”

Harry rolls his eyes; the idea of a relationship is enough to put him on edge.

He doesn’t know how he’d handle it if things went tits up.

“Wouldn’t hurt you to have another friend,” Louis nudges his shoulder gently.

He’s right, but to be honest another friend just equals further commitments that Harry will struggle to keep to.

So Harry ignores Louis’s words and focuses on checking the coffee machines.

 

****

 

He doesn’t work Wednesdays.

Which is convenient because he has therapy.

He’d be lying if he said it made much of a difference.

But he goes, because sometimes it’s nice to have someone he can rant to without that look of judgement he despises oh so much.

The psychiatrist’s name is Rikie.

She’s a middle aged woman from Malta who has terribly grey roots and an extremely awkward sense of humour but Harry likes her.

They’ve had sessions upon sessions.

Today she keys into the fact that the level of happiness that Harry is aspiring to reach dates back to that of his childish youth, and that he’ll probably never be the carefree boy he once used to be.

It doesn’t mean he won’t ever be satisfied with life again; just that it’ll be different.

And then she’s complementing his hair just like she does every time and he knows that that’s it.

 

****

 

He gets home half an hour later.

“I ordered Lebanese,” Zayn tells him.

He’s eating out of white box, sat in the middle of the living room on the floor.

“What’s wrong with the couch?”

Zayn looks up at sternly

“I didn’t want to stain it.”

“And the kitchen table?”

Zayn shrugs “Are you going to get your arse over here or what?”

Harry sheds his jacket and kicks off his boots.

He picks up the remaining box and plops down opposite his friend.

 He’s not particularly hungry but he eats to appease Zayn.

“Do you think I should go out more?”

The other boys looks over his face, can tell he’s being serious.

“That’s up to you.”

“I mean- do you think I need more friends?”

Zayn puts his box down.

“Where’s all this coming from?”

“Nowhere, I’ve just been thinking.”

“You’re always thinking.”

“I’ve literally got you and Lou, that’s it.”

Zayn sighs audibly.

“You’ve got to do what’ll be good for you.”

“But I don’t know what’s good for me, that’s the problem.”

“I’m meeting Liam for a drink tomorrow; you can come if you want.”

“And be the loser third wheel.”

Zayn shoves his shoulder “No you doughnut, you can invite Louis too and I’ll ask Liam to bring a mate along.”

“As _fun_ as that sounds, I’m not allowed to drink alcohol.”

“One pint won’t fuck with your meds.”

Harry starts up a frenzy of panic in his mind.

“Stop it,” Zayn orders “Just come with us.”

“But-”

“This is what’s good for you, trust me Harry.”

He at least owes Zayn that.

 

****

 

Louis says yes immediately.

Harry isn’t surprised.

Louis loves people.

He’s so thrilled that he chatters away to every single customer that day.

Harry doesn’t know if he’s relieved or saddened by the fact that Blondie doesn’t stop by again.

Maybe Harry’s grimness did the trick.

It usually does.

When they clock off they head straight to joint Zayn’s requested them at.

Harry can feel his nerves deepening, because not only is he meeting Liam for the first time, which is a huge deal where Zayn is concerned, but there’s also the chance he’ll be the _fifth_ wheel as opposed to the third.

Louis pats his arm reassuringly once they arrive.

“I’m right here for you mate; just don’t let me get hammered.”

Harry almost, _almost_ , cracks a smile because nothing can control Louis.

Zayn’s texted him to let them know that they’re already inside.

Harry doesn’t spot him until the very last moment.

And he can’t back out because his roommate has spotted him.

Only Harry isn’t looking at Zayn, nor the man he assumes is Liam, because what the hell is _Blondie_ doing sat at the table.

_Liam will bring a mate along._

Harry wants the ground to swallow him whole and then spit out his bones.

Instead he focuses on the guy Zayn is introducing as Liam; he’s tall, with short hair and light skin.

Zayn’s done well for himself.

Louis nudges Harry to finally sit down.

“I’m Niall,” Blondie smiles, reaching a hand towards to Harry who’s planted beside him.

_Why does Niall have to exist?_

Niall stares at him expectantly.

“Harry,” He mumbles giving the pale hand a quick shake.

Louis introduces himself from Harry’ other side.

“So you’re Zayn’s roommate?” It’s Liam who’s asking.

Harry goes to nod but thinks better of it.

He clears his throat and croaks out a “Yep.”

Zayn gives him an easy smile.

One that says ‘relax’.

“I’ve already ordered a round of pints,” He tells the group.

“Bloody brilliant,” Niall chimes in.

“What do you like more, Beer or our Hazelnut Frappuccino?”

Harry wants to thump Louis on the head.

Zayn and Liam turn to Niall with interest.

“Might have met these two already,” He admits.

“At that coffee joint you were blabbering to me about?” Liam slyly suggests.

Niall blushes a little.

“Yeah that one.”

The smirk on Liam’s face indicates to Harry that Niall probably mentioned more than just the coffee.

“You should probably answer my question,” Louis sing songs.

Niall chuckles.

Harry wishes he could find it so easy to do so.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love sweet things, but pints are my weakness.”

It’s at that moment wherein their drinks arrive.

Louis claps gleefully.

Harry takes a sip, contemplates the fact that he’s still yet to actually engage in this conversation.

And before he can let the pressure build, Niall is turning to him

“You don’t really talk much do you?”

It’s quiet enough so that the others don’t pay it any attention, carry on with their discussion as to which brand of beer is the best.

Harry gulps, before looking into blue eyes

“Sorry,” He mumbles.

Niall smiles brightly at him “You don’t have to apologise.”

Harry feels like an idiot, especially with Niall just _staring_ at him.

He speaks just to evade the intensity of it.

“So have you lived in England for a while now?”

Niall leans away a little.

Harry lets out a breath of relief.

“Since I was eighteen, my ma and da still live back in Mullingar.”

“I’ve never been.”

Niall smirks “Not a lot of people have.”

Harry doesn’t know what to say after that.

He _really_ doesn’t do people.

Not even people as pretty as Niall.

 _Especially_ not people as pretty as Niall.

 

****

 

Three more rounds are offered up and each time Harry has to politely decline.

“You don’t like to drink?” Liam asks after a repeated no.

“I er- can’t,” Harry informs him.

He decides he likes Liam based on the fact that he doesn’t pry as to why.

“I’ll have yours then,” Niall chirps, pulling the glass over.

“You’ll have a headache tomorrow,” Harry tells him.

“It’ll take more than a few pints to give me a hangover.”

“Are you immune to the effects of alcohol?”

“I’m Irish,” He beams proudly.

“Yeah mate, we can all tell,” Louis sarks.

That has both Liam and Zayn laughing.

And then Liam is proposing the idea that the two of them get some fresh air.

Zayn looks so thrilled, because it’s obviously a lame excuse for the two of them to suck face.

Harry watches the pair head towards the exit.

He wants to kill Louis when he decides that now is the perfect time to chat up a brunette girl he’s been eyeing at the bar.

So much for ‘I’m right here for you mate’

When it’s just the two of them Harry has to interact.

He may be depressed, but he’s not a purposefully rude person.

“What’s it going to take to get a smile out of you?”

Harry’s eyes narrow.

“I can’t smile.”

Niall’s eyes copy Harry’s.

“Everyone can smile Harry.”

Harry shrugs.

Thinks the truth will probably scare Niall off.

“He’s no chicken,” The blonde says.

“Who?”

“Donald Duck,” And then Niall laughs, albeit adorably, at his own joke.

Harry’s lips don’t respond.

“Seriously?” Niall gasps in mock disbelief “That was comedy gold right there.”

“I don’t doubt that.”

Niall scoffs, obviously slightly affected by the alcohol in his blood.

“Your turn.”

“Hmmm?”

“Tell me a joke.”

Harry exhales, racking his brain.

“The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.”

The lack of emotion in his voice is worrying.

Niall tries to keep his mouth in a straight line, but fails miserably.

“I’m laughing at how awful that was,” He tells Harry after a beat.

“Thanks.”

Niall drains the remainder of his pint.

“Tell me something about you.”

“Like what?”

“I dunno, what’s your full name?”

“Harry Edward Styles.”

“How fancy.”

“Hardly.”

“Sour puss.”

If only the blonde babe knew.

“What’s yours?”

“Niall James Horan.”

“How very Irish.”

Niall scowls.

Harry finds he’s surprisingly easy to get along with.

It annoys him to the utmost because it makes him want to spend more time with the blue eyed boy.

Which is a rarity; because lately all he’s ever wanting to do is drown in his bed sheets.

 

****

 

“That wasn’t so bad was it?” Zayn prods his side once they’re indoors, safely situated on their warm sofa.

His cheeks are flushed and Harry can tell this night went great for him.

“It was alright.”

Zayn pouts.

“Come on Haz, work with me here.”

Zayn’s drunk so Harry doesn’t let his persistence anger him.

“Liam’s nice.”

“Yeah he really is,” Zayn grins, and then “But what about Niall? You two seemed to get along quite well.”

“We were left alone together; I wasn’t going to sit in an awkward silence.”

“He’s easy on the eyes too,” the darker haired boy waggles his eyebrows.

“I can’t date,” Harry tells him for the hundredth time.

“I know you don’t like the idea of exposing yourself to more pain Haz,” Zayn sighs “But promise me you’ll at least try out being his friend, that was what you wanted.”

“It takes me a while, you know that.”

“Liam told me he fancies you,” Zayn blurts unexpectedly.

“What?”

“When we were outside, said Niall told him about this curly haired coffee maker with a glum face.”

It’s Harry no doubt.

 “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I’m pissed and I think it’s cute,” Zayn smirks “And come on, like you couldn’t already tell.”

“I’m going to bed,” Harry concludes, because this is too much for his head right now.

He hopes Zayn wakes up feeling the effects of the night before.

 

****

 

“I think I may have overdone it last night,” Louis tells him once they’ve opened up.

Harry doesn’t respond.

“Hello, earth to Harry.”

He scowls at the other boy.

“You deserted me.”

Louis’s face contorts in an ugly manner.

“Don’t be such a big baby, you were in safe hands.”

Harry grumbles something rude under his breath.

“Did you at least get her number?”

Louis’s grin indicates that yes, he did indeed.

“I think she could be the one.”

“That’s what you said about the last six,” Harry points out dryly.

Louis flips him off.

“You’re just jealous of my sexual prowess.”

“Yeah, that must be it,” Harry rolls his eyes.

“Maybe Niall will stop by today.”

“Why would you think that?”

Harry _doesn’t_ want to see him.

“Because he likes you and obviously loves me,” Louis explains dramatically.

Harry wishes a customer would come in.

“He’s probably got better things to do.”

And then his wish comes true because a trio of blonde women enter and he and Lou have to get to work.

 

****

 

Of course the next blonde to walk through the door is Niall.

Harry tries to pretend he hasn’t seen him.

He fails.

Louis is nowhere to be seen, he’s master at the disappearing act, and so Harry has to deal with the Irish boy.

“Heya Harry,” Niall smiles.

He’s wearing all black which Harry very much agrees with.

“What would you like?”

“I think you know,” Niall winks.

Harry can feel his cheeks turning pink.

Then Niall laughs and Harry’s confused.

“Would you like anything with your Frappuccino?”

Keeping professional is his only rational solution.

Niall eyes the variety of baked goods.

“Two brownies please.”

Harry thinks he’s heard him wrong.

“Two?”

Niall nods, his facial expression very serious.

“That’ll cost you £9.70.”

Niall gives him a ten pound note and again lets Harry keep the change.

“I’ll bring that over for you in a sec.”

It’s at this point that Harry notices that the shop is empty.

Niall always comes in right after the lunchtime rush.

He wants to hit Louis for leaving him alone _again._

His hands shake a little whilst he works.

He tells himself to get over it.

And then gets over to where Niall is seated.

“Ta Hazza.”

Harry stares down at him.

“Hazza?” He questions, since when did that become a thing?

“Shit sorry.”

It’s Niall’s turn to blush.

“It’s fine, honestly.”

“Kind of just slipped out,” Niall smiles with a shrug.

Harry nods and then starts to turn away.

“Hang on,” Niall calls.

“Yeah?”

Niall looks like he contemplating leaving it be.

He doesn’t.

“Wanna sit?”

“I’m at work,” Harry defends immediately.

Niall looks around the empty coffee shop.

Harry realises his point is null.

“I’ll let you have some of my brownie.”

“I’m not hungry.”

But he sits down anyway.

“I don’t think you understand how much will power it took for me to say that.”

Harry gives him questioning look.

“I _never_ share,” Niall explains, no traces of humour present.

“What makes me so special?”

He watches as Niall eyes him.

“You look like you could use it.”

Harry rolls his eyes, it’s becoming a habit.

“So do you.”

“Fast metabolism, what’s your excuse?”

“Food is fuel, not my friend,” He deadpans.

“You won’t be saying that after you try some of this.”

Niall breaks off a small piece.

For a moment Harry thinks he’s going to try to feed it to him.

He doesn’t.

Instead he shoves it into his own mouth.

“You’re missing out.”

Harry shrugs.

“I think I’ll live.”

Niall gulps down some of his Frappuccino appreciatively.

“Where did you say you were from originally?”

“I didn’t.”

“That was my way of asking,” Niall scolds.

“Cheshire.”

“Never been,” His words echoing Harry’s from the night before.

They sit in silence for a while.

Harry’s beginning to feel like he’s overstaying his welcome.

“I should probably find Louis.”

“Am I not entertaining enough?” Niall feigns hurt.

“No it’s- I just thought you might like some time to yourself.”

“Harry, _I_ invited you to sit with me.”

“Yeah I know that but-”

“Do I make you uncomfortable?”

He lets his eyes stare into blue.

“ _People_ make me uncomfortable.”

Niall grins at him.

“I guess I’ll have to fix that… at least in regards to myself.”

 _You could stop being so bloody attractive for starters_ he thinks.

“I guess having an Irish friend would have its benefits,” Harry admits.

He just isn’t sure as to what benefits they might be.

 

****

 

Niall visits the coffee shop every working day for the next three weeks.

Sometimes Harry sits and talks to him.

Other times he doesn’t.

That’s the thing about his mood; he can never foresee its outcome.

And today is a day in which he decidedly hates himself.

He’s face down in bed still and knows it’s verging on two pm.

But then again, this is how he spends most of his Saturdays.

Of course he’s not happy with it.

But it just _is._

Until it isn’t because Zayn in entering his room minus an invitation.

“It’s late,” his friend tells him quietly.

Harry grumbles unintelligible along the lines of ‘I’m not in the mood’.

“You’re going to want to get up.”

Harry pushes up onto his elbows begrudgingly

“Why?”

“Because we have a _guest_.”

That has Harry rolling onto his back.

“Who?”

“Liam,” Zayn smiles innocently.

Harry hasn’t showered in four days and his eyes feel like they’ve sunken into his skull.

“Great,” He mutters.

“I want you to like him Haz.”

“I do!”

“I mean properly, now get dressed, I’m being rude by leaving him on his own out there.”

He waits until Zayn is out the door before pulling on a pair of black jeans and a t-shirt of the same colour.

“Morning,” Harry  greets dully upon seeing Liam.

He smiles “Technically it’s the afternoon.”

Harry wants to flick his face.

Instead he takes up a seat next to him on the sofa.

The piece of furniture seems to be becoming his new best friend.

“Harry doesn’t appreciate mornings,” Zayn informs Liam from his place beside him.

Harry feels sorry for Liam, wedged in-between the two of them.

And then he’s questioning if this means that the two of them are official.

“Are these visits going to become a regular thing?”

Zayn leans forward to glare at him.

“I don’t know,” Liam smirks “Are they?” And his attention is directed towards Zayn, who’s flushing pink.

“I er-”

“That means yes,” Harry explains to Liam in a whisper.

Liam holds in a laugh.

Zayn puts on the television and watches the first twenty minutes of the football match in a sulk.

That is until Liam’s kissing lightly on his ear and Harry pretends he hasn’t noticed.

 

****

 

When the game is finished Zayn gets his own back.

“Have you spoken to Niall lately Haz?”

Harry wants to suffocate him.

“Sort of,” he tries to dismiss.

Liam looks at him for a long second.

“You’re into blokes right?” He questions.

Harry gives a half-hearted nod, followed quickly by

 “I don’t date.”

He can see Zayn rolls his eyes.

Liam frowns for a moment.

“Fair enough.”

And again Harry loves the fact that he doesn’t get interrogated as to why.

Maybe Zayn’s told Liam about him being ill.

But then again Zayn wouldn’t do that without Harry’s consent.

And then he remembers that he hasn’t taken his meds yet.

He excuses himself and makes headway to his room.

Finds himself staring at his pale reflection in the mirror.

His cheekbones _are_ more prominent.

He really does need to start eating proper meals.

Harry exhales a breath and swallows down the capsules dry.

He feels glummer than ever now, seeing Zayn and Liam so content with one another.

Why does he have to be like _this_?

He can hear Louis’s voice in his head telling him to get over himself.

So he does and goes to return to the duo.

But then he sees them sharing a private moment together, Zayn softly kissing Liam, and he feels like an intruder.

“Sorry,” He awkwardly apologises as they turn to him.

Maybe he _does_ miss that kind of comfort after all.

 

****

 

Sunday isn’t much better.

The only difference is that Niall texts him.

Harry had hesitantly given the boy his number during one of their coffee chats.

Niall had asked him for it so sweetly that Harry couldn’t possibly say no.

The message reads ‘ _We should hang out Harold’_

Harry knows that this means he’ll _have_ to shower today.

Because he’s not turning Niall down.

So when he asks Niall as to where they’re meeting and gets what he assumes is Niall’s home address in response, he realises that the blonde literally means hanging out ‘lazy style’.

He doesn’t take long to get ready and surprise, surprise _both_ Liam and Zayn are in the kitchen.

“Didn’t realise you’d moved in,” Harry deadpans.

Zayn flips a middle finger his way in Liam’s defence.

Harry goes for some cinnamon cereal, notices the way Zayn watches him approvingly.

“Going somewhere?”

Harry chews obnoxiously and then swallows.

“Yep.”

“Since when?” Zayn questions suspiciously.

“Who are you? His dad?” Liam pokes Zayn’s side teasingly.

“He likes to think so,” Harry answers.

“I’m being serious,” Zayn scowls.

Harry rolls his eyes but tells anyway.

“I’m meeting Niall.”

Zayn’s eyebrows go sky high.

“ _Oh_ , okay.”

“I thought you didn’t date,” Liam grins smugly.

“It’s _not_ a date.”

Liam holds his hands up in an act of surrender.

Harry can tell Liam is a fast learner.

 

****

 

Niall lives on the top floor of a building that is not equipped with a lift.

Harry’s so breathless by the time he gets to the door.

He barely manages a knock.

Niall there a few short seconds later and can’t help but chuckle when he sees Harry’s panting.

“I probably should have warned you about the stairs.”

“No shit,” Harry glares.

Niall moves to let him in.

The apartment is bigger than what Harry’s expecting.

It’s clean and bright, the complete opposite of his and Zayn’s.

He notices a guitar in the corner, remembers Niall telling him that he’s really into music.

“So… why the sudden invitation?” Harry asks, because he’d like to know what exactly it is he’s doing here.

“Well,” Niall begins “Seeing as Zayn’s stole my best mate, I figured I’d take his.”

“This is payback?” Harry plays along for a short second.

“Most definitely,” Niall nods, but there’s a gleam in his eyes that Harry can very much see.

“What’s the plan?”

Niall’s smile turns sheepish “I haven’t actually thought that far ahead.”

“Good,” Harry tells him in all seriousness “Because I’m a lazy cunt.”

“I knew we had something in common.”

Harry stands in the middle of the living area.

“You’re allowed to sit down,” Niall laughs.

Niall’s sofa is grey coloured and soft.

His is a dark brown and covered in fast food stains despite Zayn’s efforts to prevent such a thing.

“Do you want a beer?” Niall asks from the other room, which Harry assumes is the kitchen.

“No thanks.”

“Ah that’s right, forgot you don’t drink,” the shorter boy sits down next to him, probably closer than need be.

“Why is that exactly?” Niall quizzes.

He’s brought out two glasses of what looks to be a soft drink instead.

“I don’t like the effect it has on me.”

It’s partly true, he’s been warned that if he has any more than one glass his medication will stop working and there’s the risk of a depressive episode occurring.

“That’s the best part!” Niall tells him.

Harry shrugs.

“I prefer not having my state of mind altered.”

Niall’s staring intently at him.

“Anything else I should know about you?”

“I’ve got 54 tattoos.”

“No fucking way.”

“Some of the new stuff covers up the older ones.”

“I wanted to get a tattoo once, but I couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Tattooist said my arse was too squishy.”

And then Harry does something he hasn’t done in the longest time.

He _smiles._

And he’s not pretending.

Niall’s staring at him like he’s grown horns.

“You should do that more often,” He murmurs.

It slowly fades and he’s Harry again.

“Shame I didn’t tell you that when we first met.”

“Would have been a bit weird,” Harry jibes.

“You don’t even know what it was I wanted.”

“Well tell me then.”

Niall’s trying to hold in his laughter.

“A stamp that said ‘Made in Ireland’.”

Harry regrets choosing this moment to take a sip of the Lemonade Niall’s given him.

He does a chortle whilst swallowing.

It hurts.

“You’re making this up,” Harry accuses.

“Honest to God,” Niall smiles, amusement in his eyes.

Harry shakes his head in disbelief.

Niall’s so carefree and it makes him ache.

“So how do you know Zayn?”

Harry thinks back “We went to school together, best mates since about the age of seven.”

“Jesus, that’s a long time.”

“As cliché as it sounds, he’s like a brother,” He adds as an afterthought “Definitely annoying enough.”

“He’s _really_ into Liam,” Niall muses.

“I’ve already caught them kissing,” Harry frowns.

Niall pretends to gag.

But in reality they both know there’s nothing disgusting about it.

“Good thing you’ve left them too it,” Niall says, but his voice is quieter.

Harry thinks about kissing Niall.

It’s not even sexual, pure curiosity.

He doesn’t actually do it though.

That would be uncalled for and misleading.

Maybe be around Niall isn’t good for his head.

“Harry?”

He realises he’s been staring at the wall behind Niall’s head.

“Sorry,” he mumbles “What did you say?”

“I asked if you were hungry.”

He shakes his head.

“Doesn’t matter, I’m going to feed you anyway,” Niall grins.

What Niall means by ‘feed’ is actually just chuck a packet of crisps at your head.

They’re salt & vinegar.

Niall’s finished the whole packet within about 2 minutes whilst Harry’s only finished his first bite.

“Watching you eat is torturous,” Niall pouts.

Harry makes sure his next movement is even slower.

Niall’s frustration gets the better of him and he grabs the bag from his hand.

“Hey!” Harry calls, even though he’s not all that bothered about it.

“Open up Harold.”

Harry looks at him like he’s being ridiculous.

Because he is.

Niall’s got three thin baked potato slices pinched between his fore finger and thumb.

“I can be very persistent.”

Harry feels like an obedient dog when he actually widens his mouth.

Niall places them in gently, watches to make sure Harry swallows them.

This suddenly feels a lot more intimate.

Harry clears his throat.

“I think I can manage the rest.”

“Right,” Niall hums.

He doesn’t make any move to give back the packet though.

Instead he’s looking down at Harry’s lips that are no doubt reddened due to the flavouring.

All Harry can do is take in a mouthful of air.

Pray for this moment to pass.

Only then Niall is leaning towards him and shit, fuck, cunt, his rough lips are pressing onto Harry’s.

He wants to enjoy it but he goes into panic mode because he can’t do this.

He can let himself get hurt.

“Wait,” Harry whispers, pulls away a little.

Niall’s looking at him with alarmed eyes.

“Sorry; I don’t know why I did that.”

Harry tries to give him a reassuring smile but it feels too forced.

“I’m not the right person for this,” He tries to explain.

“Hey, I get it; I shouldn’t have just tried it on.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Harry exasperates.

Niall looks at him with confusion.

“It’s not that I don’t want to kiss you, it’s just-”

“Calm down,” Niall smiles and places a hand on Harry’s shoulder.

“I don’t want this to seem like I’m rejecting you,” Harry sighs, because yeah, he does like Niall like that, he just doesn’t know how to deal with it.

“Can we just forget about this?”

Harry nods but the rest of his stay doesn’t feel as easy.

 

****

 

“Niall tried to kiss me,” Harry tells Louis the next day at work.

They’ve just finished serving two business men.

“And that comes as a surprise to you?” Louis asks as if he’s been expecting this for a while now.

“Why would he do that?”

“Oh I don’t know, maybe because he likes you.”

It feels like an extra pressure that he can’t handle.

“I’m not good at this stuff Lou.”

“Well what did you do when he tried to lay it on you?”

Harry rolls his eyes at the way Louis puts it.

“I told him not to.”

Louis winces “Niall will get over it.”

But Harry doesn’t know if _he_ can.

To make things worse, Niall doesn’t stop by for his coffee today.

 

****

 

Another two weeks pass by and Harry thinks he’s seen more of Liam than he has Zayn.

It’s not driving him mad per say but he does feel like he should ask Liam as to when he’s going to chipping in with the rent.

Niall isn’t avoiding him, but his visits are less frequent and Harry knows it’s because he’s still embarrassed about the whole kiss situation.

He’s so frustrated by Monday morning that he ditches work and heads over to Niall’s house.

He two-steps that stairs and knocks on the door loudly.

When Niall opens it he’s got messy hair and pyjama trousers on.

“Harry?” He asks through squinted eyes.

“I need to talk to you.”

“This really couldn’t wait until later on?”

Harry glares at him.

“Alright, alright, come in.”

Once the door is shut he’s kissing Niall with all the strength he can muster.

Bear in mind he’s just climbed eight flights of stairs.

Each of which contain 18 steps.

_Harry’s counted._

“Harry what are you-”

Only he doesn’t let the blonde finish because he’s kissing into mouth like his life depends on it.

He’s not being gentle or soft, because he doesn’t feel that way, doesn’t want it that way right now.

Niall, who’s now very much awake, goes pliant beneath the taller boy, lets his hand reach up towards curly hair.

Niall doesn’t taste of Salt & Vinegar like he did the first time this almost happened.

And then he’s running his tongue along the roof of Harry’s mouth and Harry has to groan because he’s been denying himself of this for a long time now.

It’s when he realises that he actually wants to tell Niall something that he pulls away.

“I’m depressed,” He mumbles against the side of Niall’s smooth cheek.

His hands move to Harry’s elbows.

He moves to look him in the eye.

“Because of what just happened?”

Harry pokes stomach.

“No, I mean literally, I’ve got depression.”

“Oh,” Niall breathes “So that’s why you didn’t want to…”

“Yeah,” Harry sighs and it sounds like an apology.

“How do you feel right now?”

“Good,” And he’s not lying when he says it.

 

****

 

It turns out Niall is a lot more understanding than Harry gave him credit for.

Because he still wants Harry even after all the shit he’s being going crazy about.

“So it really doesn’t bother you?” He asks one more time.

They’re sat with their backs against Niall’s front door.

“Not at all.”

“God I’m an idiot.”

“A little bit,” Niall smirks but his hand drops down to touch at Harry’s.

“I’ve got a dodgy knee if it’s any consolation,” He adds.

Harry guffaws because it really isn’t but at least Niall’s trying.

“I think you’re good for me,” He tells Niall honestly and then blonde hair is tickling his face as Niall kisses at his neck.

So maybe he won’t ever be the Harry he used to be.

 But what he has with Niall is enough to make him happy.

 

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is Narrywillbethedeathofme if you want to submit prompts :)


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